People to avoid at the gym (From GQ Magazine)

I found an article about 11 people to avoid at the gym. Here are a few to brighten your day. *Please note I copied this verbatum from GQ magazine. (Why I was reading GQ magazine, I don't know.) There are some cuss words and talk of balls. Sorry mom ; )

"The Naked Shaver"

How to recognize him: There he is at the mirror, meticulously denuding his beard line with his balls resting on the granite countertop.

As made famous by: Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love.

Also probably made famous by: Ryan Gosling in real life.

Accessory: Towel. To be worn only over the shoulder so as not to interfere with the perfect "dangle"

You may also know him from: The time he super-patiently started asking you about the pluses and minuses of your new Asics minimalist sneakers while... being completely naked.

"The Steam-Room Stretcher"

How to recognize him: Are you in the steam room? Is there a guy in there who is making weird groaning sounds? That's him.

Philosophy: No one can see me behind this shroud of steam, so it's a great place to do weird private stuff.

Related to: The sauna zit-picker, the shower gargler, and that guy who has definitely been doing something strange in the handicapped stall for the past half hour.

"The Clean-and-Jerker"

How to recognize him: Kinda fat, a little bit hairy, looks a garbageman in a threadbare workout clothes from the 70's. Can squat 5,970 pounds.

Why you avoid spotting him on the bench press: It seems like you might have to end up doing CPR. Maybe it's the pallid complexion or the cold sweat, but it's not healthy looking.

Accessories: Leather weight-lifting belt, knee brace fashioned from old radiator hose, tiny gym shorts, tube socks.

How to know if he's been in the area: Puddle of un-mopped-up sweat, scent of raw mackerel.

How to know if you are him: For breakfast you just had six raw eggs and a package of Entenmann's cheese Danishes.

"The Zumba Giggler"

How to recognize him: He's white. Like really, really white.

On his iTunes: All remixes of "Funky Vodka," Pitbull, and Enrique.

No relationship to: The barbell sniffer, the yoga snorer, the shake-weight farter.

 

"The Spin-Class Ogler"

 

How to recognize him: Find the yoga room, the StairMaster, the streching mat, the spin class, or anywhere else peopled by women in tight pants. Now turn around and find the guy who's watching.

 

How to know if you are him: Every once in a whle you realize, Oh, they can see me too!

 

Motto: No better place to be than behind the last row of treadmills.

 

"The StairMaster Drummer"

 

How to recognize him: He's the only man on the StairMaster who has an imaginary twenty-seven-piece Zildjian kit.

 

What he doesn't know: He's actually singing "Hot for Teacher" out loud.

 

Closely related to: The ab-mat dancer, the Exercycle e-mailer, the guy who Zumbas like nobody's watching and talks on his cell phone like no one is listening.

 

"The Roidsky Twins"

 

How to recognize them: They're the only two dudes yelling, "All you! All you! C'mon, I know you've got one more!"

 

Accessories: Half-drunk bottle of Muscle Milk, well-thumbed copy of Men's Health, tiny testicles.

 

First accessory to be jettisoned: T-shirt, after 90 seconds of exertion. Note: will still chest-bump a motherfucker.

"The Mat Potato"

How to recognize him: Forty-five minutes after you first saw him, he's still lying on the floor watching Sports Center.

Internal dialogue: "Working out doesn't seem so hard! And look, I've been here two hours. I should treat myself to a smoothie."

Repressed internal dialogue: "If I go home, my wife won't let me watch Sports Center."

Nagging question: How come I'm not ripped yet? Maybe it's my metabolism.

Uniform: A full sweat suit. It gets chilly in here.